the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
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*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.