It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.