No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
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If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Room with a view.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead