Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
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I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.