me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
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“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’