Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
March 16
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.