Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
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me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
is this how new cars are made??
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
My teenage children choosing violence
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.