I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
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Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.