My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
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If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not