Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me