HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
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What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Good morning
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?