If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
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I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please