As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
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Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.