“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
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[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
5 ways to appear taller
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron