“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
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Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My dress code is business-casualty.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality