A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
You Might Also Like
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.