Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
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My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”