Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
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*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My first son he is wonderful
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.