Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.