It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
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Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT