Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
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[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Always the camel, never the toe.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter