when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
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still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’