If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
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me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
This classic never gets old . . .
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator