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INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor鈥檚 hand
Her: let鈥檚 role play
Me: ok I鈥檒l pretend I鈥檓 a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Customize Your Wedding.
The theory that two stacked beds can鈥檛 be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
*puts cutlery down*
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My kid鈥檚 kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn鈥檛 returned my text.