If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
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My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
this is funnier than any friends episode
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?