JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
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HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones