Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
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Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken