You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
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Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Ha
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
tourist season
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.