Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
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happy valentine’s day to me
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
even bears disappoint their mothers
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand