My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
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Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost