Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
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The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation