To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
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pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Mountain Goat : )
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.