When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
You Might Also Like
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him