I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
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I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Love is always patient and kind.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.