Mummies are just super modest zombies
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Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi