Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
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“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.