Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
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Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Don’t make me out nice you.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.