You Might Also Like
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
bears
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.