Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
You Might Also Like
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.