[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
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If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.