Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
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After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.