Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
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the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years