I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
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i dont have time for this
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Does your wife know you’re single?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die