Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
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Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.