During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
You Might Also Like
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.