Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
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[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.