I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
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You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
me
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
congratulations to them
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
#gardening
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.