What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
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An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Can. I. Help. You.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines