elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
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When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
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Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back