*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
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This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
My favorite animal is fried chicken.